NICU Grad

Experience

Over the last nine weeks, people - the social worker in the hospital, nurses, strangers, my mom, my husband - have told me I'm an amazing mom; that I'm stronger than they could be; that they could never do what I do every day. I just want to clarify: I'm not amazing. I don't possess incredible human strength. I just have an undying love for the tiny human I carried in me for 28 weeks and 4 days. I don't feel like I've done anything out of the ordinary. I just feel like a mom who is doing everything in her power to care for her son. 

Don't get me wrong - I know this path to motherhood has had bumps and turns and detours, and it's the most challenging thing I've ever experienced. But that does not make me extraordinary. It makes me a mother. 

My path has crossed with fellow NICU mothers who have had it much worse than we have - ventilators, resuscitation, seizures, living hours away from their newest love, not being allowed to hold the part of their heart that left their body. For that I am grateful. If it wasn't for the inspiring stories of these women who have seen their child pounced on by respiratory therapists trying to get a breath exhaled, or stayed nights in an armchair at the bedside following a major abdominal surgery I would have fallen apart long ago. But if these women can keep their daily vigil up for months on end with the scariest circumstances, I can definitely handle driving fifteen minutes to hold and feed my very healthy baby for fifteen (or more) hours a day. 

I have no hard feelings toward God, or the doctors, or myself for our current situation. Jack is the best thing that has happened to our life, irregardless of him coming at term or twelve weeks early.

I so look forward to the day I can bring my little man home, and I pray everyday for the mothers and fathers who never got that chance. We are so blessed to have the medical advances that saved my life, and the life of our baby. 

The prophet Joseph Smith once said, "I should never get discouraged, whatever difficulties should surround me, if I was sunk in the lowest pit of Nova Scotia and all the Rocky Mountains piled on top of me, I ought not to be discouraged but hang on, exercise faith and keep up good courage and I should come out on the top of the heap."

That is the attitude I'm trying to have. 

"..All these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7-8)

{Week 9.}

All of the days are blending into one! I can't tell what's going on haha.

Jack has had a slow growing week, with a couple nights gaining 2 g, or 4 g, or 14 g.. Then he gained 54 g!.. And lost 14 g. So hopefully this next week is better because he might be coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We're pretty excited.

He had immunizations this week. :(

This basically sums that up. For both of us.

He also had some visitors!

Uncle Mason and his girlfriend Elizabeth came up to visit.

So all in all it was a good week. Jack weighs about 5 lb 11 oz, but like I said before, it's been up and down. We're really excited about the possibility of coming home in the next week or 2!

All of the prayers and good thoughts are so appreciated, we feel every one of them. Thank you!

Mama and Jack at 1 week (28 weeks gestation)

Mama and Jack at 9 weeks (37 weeks gestation)

{Weeks 6-8}

Oops. I got busy with my baby. :) He's nearly 8 weeks old now! Ugh .I can't even believe it. I have spent every day for the last 8 weeks in the hospital! How miserable?! But it's a lot easier when I get to look at this face all day.

I don't even really know where to start. I'll just go with what has changed since week 5.

He weighs a pound more than he did 3 weeks ago! He's now 5 lb 6 oz! He officially fits Newborn-sized clothes!

He's not on any pressurized oxygen. He gets <25 mL of oxygen/hour. They're going to try him on room air soon!

He is being given oral feeds all the time! No more feeding tube! Breastfeeding during the day, bottles at night. But once he gets closer to coming home (if we can get any closer..) I'll be staying overnight to BF 24/7.

Which bring us to the next exciting thing! We were transferred from the RAH NICU to the GN NICU. That was traumatizing for both of us. Watching your tiny baby get strapped into a isolette on a stretched and wheeled into an ambulance is terrible.

We're literally in the home stretch. Finally. All we're waiting is for him to get off the oxygen. SOOOOOOOOOOON!

Also, I just love this picture. The left side is my mom in the hospital when I was born. The right side is me with Jack at nearly 2 months old. About the same size. And the babies look alike! Obviously my son. ;)

Oh, and here's this picture too.

Like woah, right?

It's a First!

Today is my first Mother's Day as a mother. :) But this certainly isn't the first post I've done on Mother's Day. Probably because I have the best mother in the whole entire world. [See here and here.]

I never understood how she could love 5 kids - and now a son-in-law - until 48 days ago, when I heard my son's cry for the first time. He's taken over my whole life.

And I'd like to say thank you to my mom for being the best example for me on how to raise my son.

"The only thing greater than having you as my mom,
is my children having you as a grandma."

Education

Join this challenge!

I know a lot about high risk pregnancies.

I know a lot about thinking your pregnancy is so healthy and wonderful, even with type 1 diabetes, only to find out that your body is basically rejecting the precious life you're carrying.

I know all about being lied to by doctors about being put on bed rest.

I know about spending 4 days on said bed rest in a hospital staring out at a brick wall, missing fresh air and vitamin D.

I know about feeling your little boy kicking at his heart rate monitor and ultrasound probe in frustration.

I know how being diagnosed with severe preeclampsia feels.

I know how scary it is.

I know how magnesium sulfate feels when it hits your blood stream. How awful it is.

I know how bumpy the ambulance ride to and from the airport is.

I know how small air ambulances are, and how quickly they can travel 1000 km.

I know how dumb you feel when the doctor looks you in the eye and asks if you know what's going on or how sick you are.

I know how it feels to be told you'll be delivering your 28-weeks gestation son by emergency C-section..

I know what a C-section feels like.

I know how hard it is to see your son get whisked away and be left on the operating table, wondering how he is and what's happening.

I know all about having a baby in the NICU (38 days and counting!), and how hard it is to get him to wake up and try breast feeding.

I know how lucky I am to have a healthy son, to be healthy, to have a little family. I know how wonderful extended family is. I know how important a ward family is. I know how frustrating and scary pregnancy can be, especially when it's a high risk.. But I know, above all, how worth it it is. I know how worth it it is to hold your newborn, tiny tiny son for the first time, and to watch him grow, and come to recognize his parents.

I know what love is. Again.

250 Word Challenge

Join this challenge!

1992

Surprise girl.

Last minute name change.

Nicole.

1994

Brother #1. Ryan.

1996

Brother #2. Tyler.

1998

Brother #3. Max.

1999

Sister?

No.

Brother #4. Justin.

2000

Epic millennial sleepover with Kimber.

Baptism.

2002

Young Womens.

February 2003

House fire.

Summer 2003

Sweet family reunion.

New cousins.

Water fight.

New house.

2004

Air band.

Done elementary school.

2005

Junior High.

Kind of first boyfriend.

2006

More boys.

Fake boyfriend.

New best friends.

2007

Facebook.

First real boyfriend.

First kiss with second boyfriend.

High School Musical to infinity and beyond.

RHS.

2008

Diabetes.

Europe.

Spokane (train).

California.

Best friend becomes boyfriend.

Boyfriend ends.

Still best friends.

2009

Hawaii.

Stake New Years Eve dance = met my amazing hubby.

Seniors.

2010

First missionary friend.

Hawaii again.

Graduation.

Last boyfriend forever.

Michael Buble concert. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Nanny.

2011

Fired for the first time.

Moved to Edmonton.

NAIT.

New friends.

Engaged.

More missionary friends.

First place by myself.

2012

Temple.

Married to my wonderful love.

Name change.

Graduation again.

BFF.

Moved.

Real life job.

Big Valley Jamboree. Rascal Flatts forever.

20 years old. WHAT!

BFF baptism.

Fancy new car.

Debt.

Being Carter’s caretaker.

Broken fancy new car.

Pregnant!

2013

Moved.

One year anniversary.

Fixed fancy new car.

Getting bigger. And bigger.

Swollen. Swelling. Puffy.

High blood pressure.

Hospital.

Severe preeclampsia.

Airplane ride.

Out of time.

Emergency C-section.

Jack Cameron. Two pounds, nine ounces. My perfect little boy.

Neonatal Intensive Care Unit.

Thirty seven days and counting.

Frustration and tears and love.

So much love.

Family.

{Week 5}

Jack had a huge week.

First things first - he's a month old, and weighs 4lb 5oz.

They took him out of his isolette this week, and put him in a "big boy bed"! He even got a tub bath!

And, the best part of the week - they took him off CPap!! 

He's the cutest ever. 

And he's doing so well without CPap! When they put the nasal cannula in, he was getting 5.0 liters per minute of air, and now he's down to 2.0 LPM! And still doing so well. 

Today we even tried BF-ing him for the first time! And at first he wasn't really that interested, but then he loved it! I'm hoping tomorrow they'll turn him down to 1.0 LPM, and let us try an actual oral feed! Keep your fingers crossed!

I sneaked this picture of Carter leaving Jack to go to Grande Prairie for work for 2 weeks. And cried.

I just want to thank everyone who has offered prayers on our behalf, and sent clothes and packages and cards, or even just a text message. This is a really hard time for our little family, even though we have a healthy baby boy, and every happy message helps. So thank you. 

{Week 4}

I thought it was weird when the little guy was 3 weeks old, and all of a sudden he's 4 weeks! On Thursday he'll be a month old! Mind. Blown. 

This little guy is only going to be little for a little while longer! He weighs 3 lb 14 oz! Hefty hefty hefty!

His oxygen requirements have decreased majorly. He was sitting between 35% and 50%, and now he's between 22% and 28%!

They increased his feeds from 18 mL every 2 hours to 27 mL every 3 hours.

His caffeine (to help him remember to breathe) has been increased as well, from 5 mL once a day to (I think) 7 mL.

And the best news of all -- they're trying him off of CPap again!! Hopefully this time he'll tolerate it better and be able to stay on High flow and eventually get off of oxygen all together! But once he's on High flow they'll try him on oral feeds!! Which has mama SUPER excited!!

He's pretty excited too! <3

how to tell you're becoming significantly lacking in household chores..

i went to dish up some leftover casserole for lunch today. i grabbed a paper plate - the smartest investment i've ever made in my whole life - and opened the utensil drawer to get a fork. no forks. i went to the dish rack. no forks. i looked in the sink. yup. there they are. all 20 forks. dirty. underneath the pile of plates and bowls and other casserole dishes and empty lunch storage containers.

the solution?

for a normal household: quickly do dishes. or, at least, grab a fork and wash it off.

for me: return to the utensil drawer. grab a spoon. use the spoon to eat casserole.

{Week 3}

I can not believe my baby is three weeks old!! This is boggling my mind.

It's been a week with a lot of ups and downs. He started needing a higher oxygen percentage (between 40% and 50% instead of between 20% and 30%), not liking cuddles at all, and retaining water. Another chest x-ray showed more fluid in his lungs, and his legs and feet and face started swelling up. In fact, he gained 9 oz this week, which is ridiculously abnormal. They started him on a diuretic yesterday, so hopefully that starts working and (I'll never say this again..) he loses some weight. 

We started being able to take him out for what are called 'bundled cuddles', because he didn't like kangaroo care. We think he likes being contained a lot more than.. I dunno. Not being contained. lol. 

The first time I held him like this I sobbed. I didn't realize how affected I had been by NOT being able to cradle him. Every mom has this idea of holding her baby, and although I had held him kangaroo style, cradling him made me feel like I could hold him and protect him and be his mom. Carter loved it too.

He also started wearing clothes this week! Yay! He's the cutest.

Mom came to visit for a couple days this week too -- she's the best. She made us a week's worth of freezer meals, and we LOOOOVE mama's cooking. We ate lasagna while we set up little man's crib!

How cute, right? But this isn't even his real bedding. We bought this second hand before we knew what we were having, but when we found out it was a boy, mom found this crib set online, so now we're just waiting for it to get here!! I'm SO excited to have a little baseball nursery!!

I also found this little picture online this week..

And, again, I sobbed. All I could think of was little Jack talking to Heavenly Father. I'm sure Jack knew the start of his life was going to be difficult, and I'm sure he asked a question similar to this one. And to think that God completely trusted him to me! And Jack is trusting me to care for him and keep him safe and even just to keep him company! Ah. It's so overwhelming, but so comforting!

{Week 2}

Jack is growing growing growing! He weighs 1280 g, which is equivalent to 2 lb 13 oz. He even surpassed his full feeds, and is getting 16 mL every 2 hours. He got his main line taken out, so now he only has his O2 sensor, heart rate, and respiration lines. He was transferred from the level 3 NICU to the level 2 {details on levels can be found here}, which was fantastic. He even went off CPAP and was on a high flow therapy machine, but the respiratory therapist decided he was working too hard because of all his decreases in oxygen levels, so he's back on the CPAP for now. He's still getting a lot of air in his belly, but it's better than it was. Today he was also really constipated, so he's really uncomfortable. It breaks my heart. :( I couldn't even cuddle him this afternoon because he wouldn't settle -- it was a lot worse for mama than it was for baby.

We were also privileged to work with The Ayla Project this week as well! This is an awesome foundation that goes into the NICU (with the permission of the hospital) and takes pictures of the babe free of charge! Because every baby deserves newborn pictures! Heather was awesome to work with, and so patient with all the alarms and nurses, and Jack's puke (x3).

We decided his eyes are brown. And his hair is blonde. He got his dad's eye color and nose and toes and hair, and his mom's lips. His ears are huge though, so we're trying to decide where those came from.

Good news from the mom front -- my swelling has finally gone down. The only issue is my cankles, but even those are significantly smaller than they were! Yay! But I tried on my pre-pregnancy jeans.. Ouch. Time to go shopping! And I had a bath. Which is like my favorite past time ever, but I couldn't before now because of the C-section. Speaking of baths, I might take another one. Mmmmm.

{Week 1}

Jack is doing wonderfully. He has surpassed his birth weight of 1162 g and now weighs 1170 g (he's been steadily gaining 20 g a day). They have his feeds up to 9 mL every 2 hours, and that goes up by 1 mL every 12 hours, which means he'll be receiving full feeds (15 mL) on Thursday. This is super exciting because then he gets a bunch of lines and tubes removed and we'll be back to an almost tubeless baby. He had some problems with his breathing this week, so they had to put a rate on his CPap machine, which basically means that 20 times a minute he was receiving an extra push of pressure. But he responded so well to that that they decreased the rate to 10 times a minute, and today they're going to try him just back on the normal CPap (fingers crossed!). He's having some problems with his belly too: he's swallowing too much air. Which means the rate makes that even worse. They've done a couple chest x-rays and done a whole bunch of blood work though, and say everything looks normal. Thank goodness.

He is still as perfect as ever - my only complaint is that he got his dad's deformed toes. :( haha we've been trying to figure out what color his eyes are - either a really dark blue, or brown. I still say brown. But he doesn't open them long enough to get a good look.

He loves kangaroo care. His favorite part of that with dad is running his fingers through dad's chest hair haha. I can't wait for him to learn how to get a grasp on it and tug. :P

He met my dad and brothers this week - he's going to fit right in with the Martins with his long limbs.

Dad and I got to change his diaper this week too, which was a new experience for dad altogether, and weird for me because we have to do it inside his intubator and the diaper is SOOO tiny, but we still have to almost fold it in half!

Motherhood is full out exhausting. And I don't even have him at home yet! I've been pumping every 3-ish hours, which means waking up 3 times a night. That's the hardest part because I know that I should be waking to a baby crying, but instead its my alarm. Emotionally I'm a disaster too. Carter and I snuck into Sacrament Meeting yesterday, but someone's new baby starting crying -- and so did I. Full on hysterics. So we left and went and cuddled my baby some more.

That is quite enough of me typing -- time to go hold my son! :)

Follow my Instagram for a plethora of Jack pictures!

{jack cameron; a birth story}

a week ago, i wasn't ready to be a mother.
sure, i was pregnant.. but only 28 weeks. that leaves at least 10 more weeks until full term! lots of time to get ready. lots of time to get a crib and a change table and nursing bras and baby clothes.
now, a week later, and i've been thrust full steam ahead into motherhood.
and it's the greatest.

on march 15, i flew to calgary then drove to lethbridge to spend a week with my brothers while my mom was in las vegas with grandma, grandpa, and bonnie. once we got to raymond we noticed my feet were swollen, but with being pregnant and flying we figured it was just something that was bound to happen eventually, so i kept waiting for it to go away. but it didn't. in fact, it just kept getting worse. first my feet, then my ankles, then my knees, and eventually my face.

i remembered my doctor mentioning that my blood pressure was a little bit high, so i went to get it checked out a couple days in a row, and it was steadily increasing. thursday, march 21 i called my doctor in edmonton and told her what was going on and they suggested that we go to the ER in raymond just to be better safe than sorry. so to emerg we (ryan drove me) went. they hooked me up to the blood pressure machine, then started making calls. within a couple of hours they had all the paperwork done to get me looked at by an OB in lethbridge - so into lethbridge we went! once we were in lethbridge they took some blood, a pee sample, my blood pressure.. then got me into a bed. here we'd been thinking that i'd be spending maybe an hour or two in lethbridge, and suddenly i was admitted.

the next couple of days were just sort of a blur - a boring, bed ridden blur. friday, march 22 carter and my mom both made it to lethbridge. i was just being monitored. the doctor would stop in and give us plans for the day - bed rest - and then leave. same on saturday - bed rest. he kind of said that maybe if my blood pressure stabilized i'd be able to go home and be on bed rest, so we were making plans for me to stay at mom and dad's place in raymond and have carter commute back and forth on the weekends. the only answer we had given to us while in lethbridge was that yes, i did have a condition called preeclampsia.

sunday, march 24 my blood pressure still hadn't stabilized, but we were still planning on me just being on bed rest and hopefully making it to 32 weeks, delivering in lethbridge, and playing it by ear. but sunday afternoon had different plans. the doctor announced that he was looking to get us transferred - to calgary, if possible (because we have so much family close to that area), or to edmonton if necessary. by 4 o'clock sunday night we had our travel plans - edmonton. carter and i got on an air ambulance just before 6 o'clock, and we were in the royal alexandra hospital in edmonton around 8 o'clock (i'm never driving from edmonton to lethbridge again - the flight is so much easier/faster/nicer!).

waiting to be transferred

the first thing the doctor asked me when she came in sunday night was if i knew how sick i was. i had no idea - i'd been feeling fine besides a couple of minor headaches and the swelling (which kept getting worse!). she looked me right in the eye and said, "you have what we call severe preeclampsia, because you're less than 32 weeks. we're prepping you for delivery in the next couple hours."

full steam ahead!

carter and i had been given priesthood blessings that morning, which is what i think helped us to stay so calm. we were able to get all the preparations out of the way - not like there was time for a whole lot! we only had toothbrushes with us! i had blood drawn a couple of times and an IV site put in, and finally at about 1 o'clock monday, march 25, i was taken into the OR for an emergency cesarean section.

as far as the surgery goes, i remember every second. the sweet, sweet nurse who held me as the spinal was put in and held my hand until carter got in, the doctors chatting over the new restaurant they visited over the weekend between asking for surgical tools, watching the reflection of things i've only seen on tv (thank you, a baby story!) in the huge overhead lamps, the pressure of a million pounds sitting on my chest.. and then the weak, but definitely audible cry of little jack being brought into the world.

only minutes old, beside daddy's hand

he weighed 2 lb 9 oz and measured 14 inches long. but besides being tiny, he is perfect. in every way. from his tiny ten fingers and toes to his little lungs that are 100% capable of supporting him without any help.

we are so madly in love with this little boy. 

a spitting image of his daddy!!

how huge is that soother?!

first [decent] family photo.

kangaroo care.

as of right now (jack is about 3 days old), he is still in the NICU at the RAH, where he's expected to be until around his due date (june 14). his lungs are more than capable of getting him the oxygen he needs, but he is on a cpap machine that helps to pressurize the oxygen so his lungs can just get stronger and stronger. he is being fed breast milk (go me!) through a tube in his throat and that is also being supplemented by nutrients through an IV. 

we have been so blessed to have the amazing experience that we've had at the RAH, even though it was an unexpected one! the staff here has been incredible. both of our moms were able to come up and spend a couple of days as well, so that's been helpful. 

as for mama? the c-section recovery has not been nearly as bad as i thought it would be. i'm sore, but mostly from being in a hospital bed for a week. i'm hoping tonight is the last night in the hospital for me though! 

keep an eye out for updates on our new little family :)

{updates}
week 1
week 2
week 3
week 4
week 5
weeks 6-8
week 9
week 10: home
week 11: roadtrip
due date
four months
6 months
7 months
8 months
9 months
10 months
11 months
one year

For Pregnant Ladies:

A friend of mine is 8 weeks ahead of me in her pregnancy, and today we discussed the possibility of writing a book for pregnant women everywhere. If you've been pregnant, or are pregnant, please feel free to leave your input. If you're not pregnant, you may not understand it. But one day you will. Unless you're a guy. Then just forego this post.

Also, let it be known that this is not for shaving your legs. Shaving your legs is easy in comparison.

Introducing:

THE ART OF SHAVING BLIND

Chapter 1.0

How to master shaving blind.

Chapter 2.0

How to deal when you miserably fail at shaving blindly.

Chapter 3.0

Trust your instincts.

Chapter 3.1

Step away from the mirror.

Chapter 4.0

Don't try doing it while sitting in the bathtub; stand.

Chapter 4.1

While standing, carefully life one leg and with your free hand hold on for dear life. 

It should also be mentioned that once you reach 'hippo' size, this is the same stance you should take during intercourse. See figure 4.2 [Just kidding, there's no figure 4.2].